New. Year’s. Eve.
One night that popular culture and media has managed to endow with an enormous amount of empty meaning and unnecessary pressure. There are some who believe that how you spend this night is how you will spend the rest of your year. To those people I say, “try again.” There are others who think the night has absolutely no significance. I find myself falling in between the two, romanticizing the night a bit, yes, but also despising it with a newfound passion.
If you could have told me last New Year’s Eve where myself and my loved ones would be in a year’s time I would never have believed you. I was in love, I was healthy, all my friends and family were safe and in love and healthy. This year things seem a little less perfect. We’re missing people, some who were taken from us and some who disappeared through their own choice. There are no plans, no excitement over a New Years kiss, but rather just an unspoken relief. A relief that this year has come to a close, that a new year full of promise and hope is about to begin.
I plan on spending the evening eating and drinking with my two closest friends. And while this may seem like a lame choice for a 21 year old, I couldn’t think of any other way I’d want to ring in the much awaited 2015. They are the ones who have been here through all of the ups and downs of 2014 and it seems only fitting that we are together to celebrate its close.
I’ve had incredible New Year’s Eves. Some spent at clubs with friends and kissing a complete stranger at midnight, but others spent staying in with close friends and the comfort of being with a man I loved. The nights are never perfect, or magical, but they are sentimental to me because of who I shared them with, and this year will be no exception.
I realize its easy for me to come off as depressed or negative or even ungrateful and I hope more than anything to make clear that while this past year was not exactly ideal I am so incredibly thankful for all that I have learned and for the mistakes I have made. I am still healthy, just overcoming chronic illness daily, but for the most part incredibly healthy. I am still in love, more and more with myself and less with members of the opposite sex, but still with the idea of one day falling in love again. I have been so fortunate this year to have both positive and negative experiences that have led me to be in a state of peace and self-awareness this New Year’s Eve.
There are many things I’d like to say to so many people in regards to this past year and the next, and I thought maybe this post would be a good place to start. So here goes,
To My Family: Thank you so much for not only being incredibly patient with me all year, but for having the courage and love to fight for me when I stopped fighting for myself. It couldn’t have been easy dealing with my moods swings and watching me become less and less like myself. I will be forever grateful that you always had my best interests in mind.
To the Friends Who Stayed: We have been through so much together, and become better friends because of it. I am fully myself when I am with you guys, and I am so grateful to have such a positive, encouraging support system. You challenge me always and I love that. Thank you for always being honest, even when its not what I want to hear, and for supporting me creatively. You are the best type of people and I cannot wait to experience life with you by my side.
To the Friends Who Strayed: I know friendship is hard, and when things go wrong or get difficult we don’t always know what to do or say or how to be the best friend we can be. I accept that it was a lack of effort on both of our parts that led us to drift. I forgive you for disappearing during the hardest year, but I also recognize that that was your choice, and our friendship will be changed because of it.
To the Boy Who’s Heart I Broke, and Who Continues To Break Mine: I am sorry. I do still care. I always cared. It is because I cared that I walked away. I want you to understand that I had to choose myself. I hope you are so happy and that nothing ever hurts you the way you hurt me. Thank you for giving me some incredible memories, nights filled with toaster strudels and cuddling, for introducing me to X-Men, and for making me aware of my capacity to love another human being. I still believe in you, the rest is up to you.
To My Departed Friend: Not a day goes by that I don’t miss you or grieve your unknown future. You were the best of us and I hope we all continue to make you proud everyday.
To Me: You are stronger than you think. You should be proud of yourself. You are deserving of the most selfless kind of love. You are enough.
To You All: I hope you continue to find beauty and growth in even what seem like the darkest of times. May your 2015 be magical. May you learn about yourself and grow to love yourself. And may you let go of whatever it is that you are holding on to.
2014 may have seemed like the end of the world, but the reality is I have a lot to be grateful for. New friendships, restored health, peace of mind…. and the list goes on and on. I got to lead a team of incredibly amazing individuals, got to swim with dolphins with my sister, got to see New York once again, got to read some incredible books, see incredible movies, meet incredible people.
I am looking so forward to tonight. To indulging in my favourite wine and drinking my favourite bubbly, eating miniature versions of foods without guilt or shame, all while surrounded by people I admire and love. To rocking a neon pink lip while sporting my new Roots track pants. To listening to the Taylor Swift 1989 album on repeat, singing at the top of our lungs about broken hearts and exciting new romances.-To me that sounds like a perfect New Year’s Eve. And I hope that whatever your evening looks like, you are exactly where you want to be. I know I am.
Happy New Years Everyone. Bless.